I'm going to be super real. Not every moment of everyday is wonderful or going to be wonderful. A positive thought isn't going to change all things. Others choices will affect you even when you try really hard not to let them. We're human and it's going to happen. There are lessons in absolutely everything and the challenging or fun part is finding them and letting them strengthen you. The other day I had someone ask me how I was. I told them if they wanted to know the truth then they should probably ask me in a few weeks. This week I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm frustrated, I'm wonderful, I'm ticked, I'm blessed.....I'm up and down and all over the place. So here's what's happening in my happy little life.
About 3 weeks ago, Jared casually informed me that he wasn't attending English because of track. Red flags popped up immediately waving frantically in my face. What the heck! What do you mean you aren't going....like at all? Then I asked what his grade was and was told that he was failing. Now at this point I wasn't even worried about his grades because his last report was awesome and the best he's ever done. I remember thinking, whew....we've made it...no more worrying. WRONG!!!! We talked about the work he's missing and I immediately became his advocate. I love my son and so that's what you do right? I emailed his teacher to let her know I had just become aware of my sons struggle. His teacher called me back and we talked. She told me how Jared had shut down. It's true, I saw it too. We discussed a few things that Jared could do so that he could pass her class....he doesn't have much time. I talked to Jared and his attitude was super stinky. He has put up some pretty strong walls and isn't willing to budge. I have encouraged and even sat with him as he finished a few assignments. The assignments he got finished didn't make it to the teacher. Jared swears he stabled his notes to the paper he typed and put them in her box but he hasn't received one point of credit for it. The other assignment required talking to the teacher in person while he presented his power-point to her. He refused to talk to her about it. Let me just say when someone makes up their mind NOT to do something there is really nothing another person can do to change that. I dug a little deeper and got his track coach involved. I asked him to please encourage Jared and he promised to work his "magic" on him. But....guess what? Nothing was helping to motivate my son to do the simple things the teacher was asking. He just wouldn't.
Jared has passion and when he enjoys something he puts his whole heart into it but he's as stubborn or maybe more stubborn than a mule when he doesn't want to do something. Right now he's being a crazy mule. I've been trying to stay positive but not far from the surface I'm super afraid that Jared won't choose to do his work. I keep encouraging and bargaining with him but have gained little ground. He's so caught up on the fact that he knows he has done the work and turned it in. I am having a hard time getting him to see that, yes, that might be true but the point is that he hasn't gotten credit for it and so it needs to be redone. Jared's teacher is giving him a second chance and is willing to still give him credit if he will just redo a few assignments. It frustrates him and I get that but this is simple stuff and I am willing to help him with it. Failing and having to postpone his mission and pay for and do a packet would not be simple. Jared's stubbornness and pride are dominating and winning at this point. I've pointed out that those qualities are not from Christ but from Satan. My patience and control of my mouth are weak at this point. (also not qualities of Christ) I have cussed more this last week that probably the last few years. (I seldom cuss) Most of my cussing is said to just myself but a few people that have had listening ears have got to hear it and for that I do feel a bit bad. However, those that I have shared with love me unconditionally and that is why I even shared, so I know they won't hold it against me. I haven't cussed at Jared...only when I have expressed my frustration...I call it adding emphasis...not right I know but it happened.
Yesterday I broke! I hit a wall and lost it! I had just helped Jared with one assignment of vocabulary and was giving it to him to finish. He was resisting me so bad that my inner child jumped right out. I threw the paper and pencil on the floor and very loudly told him, I was done! Then like a strong, little child I slammed my door. It felt so good I went into my bathroom and slammed that door too. Releasing some of my anger felt so good that I opened a few drawers and slammed them. Then I got in the shower and whipped the shower curtain so hard that I had to pull it back the other way again to cover the tub. Then I turned on the water and cried. While my tears joined the water falling all over me I prayed. I was feeling so guilty for losing control. The image of Christ turning the tables in the Temple came to my mind and I was comforted a little. I wasn't being mean...I was just being real...and frustration is real.
Jared left while I was in the shower and text me a few times. We had an appointment to get his passport for his mission. He said he was sorry. I text him to come home since his appointment wasn't for an hour. We went for his passport but I refused to have it expedited. I figured at this point if he does make it on his mission they can wait for me to send his passport before assigning him to serve in Canada. (I was excited when he was called to serve in Alaska figuring we didn't need to get a passport....I read that part a week ago) The very cute clerk that was helping us was so bright and cheery. She was a gift from God for me today. I couldn't help but feel a little better by just looking at her. She seriously added sunshine to my gloomy morning.
The day continued but I didn't allow myself to completely drown in my fears. I only allow moments of my day to be cruddy. I bounced out of my yucky space and got some things done. My cute daughter called and was the answer to my earlier prayer. I needed to talk to someone besides myself and her insight and advice is always on target. What a blessing she was for me. God knew she could handle what I had to say! I enjoyed grand babies today and they always add joy to my day. (little Miss Macie got her tonsils out and Trichelle delivered fund raiser drinks we'd ordered.) I made dinner and added to the pile of dishes in the sink. Jared has dishes this week and he's not doing them either. grrrrr.... One of my bribes was that if he would go talk to his teacher I would do the dishes for him. He didn't so neither did I. (I'm not a fan of dirty dishes) I hosted our ward Book Club at my house and that was fun and light. I love just being with good women discussing good things. I enjoy this book club.
While I was having book club, Jared was attending a banquet put on by the seminary. He had to dress up to attend and they had a testimony meeting afterwards and Jared shared his testimony. Jared does have a testimony of the Gospel and he loves it. I'm so happy about that! That matters more to me than his grades but at this point getting his diploma matters to me too. He came home in a good mood and Larry had bought treats so we could all party together and get his assignments done. I was the one being resistant at this point. I said I was done and I meant it. I'm not as stubborn as Jared though and within minutes I was also reading poems out loud with Larry and Jared. It felt good to swallow the pride I had claimed earlier. Swallowing my pride caused the heaviness to leave and I was able to feel some light. We worked together until after midnight. (we started late) Now the hope is that Jared will hand his teacher his assignments and get the credit for them that he needs to pass. I asked him to send me a picture of him handing her them but I'm pretty sure that won't happen. I'm just praying super hard that he does his part and makes sure they get in his teachers hands. Larry and I both took pictures of his work but Jared needs to be accountable and turn them in. I know that is what his teacher is waiting for. Oh...and Jared did the dishes! ☺
Life is full of surprises. Some are wonderful and usually enjoyed but some are devastating and hurt your heart. But no matter what, there are lessons to be learned. I know that no matter what happens life will go on. I will always love my son. We will support one another and make fun memories together. We will accept and carry on. We will smile and be happy even when things don't go quite how we want them to. We will always continue to learn and strengthen ourselves and our lives. God will carry us when needed and always bless us. Those things I know for sure!
