Passing to the next life is exhausting and it hurts. You could actually see the life drain from my sweet daddy this week. He hurt and he was weak but he remained polite and thanked us for doing anything for him. He still expressed his love to us. But slowly he dwindled getting smaller and smaller. It was sad to watch but also good to watch so that we could let him go. We all prayed that the hurting could stop. We all prayed that he could pass. We were all as ready as we were going to be.
I enjoyed staying at my parents home this last week. I enjoyed basking in the love that filled the walls. Many of the family came and went and each added to the love there.
We were good at keeping my daddy comfortable. (or at least we tried really hard) I rubbed his feet, legs and arms every day until just a day or two before he passed. When I asked him if he would like me to rub his feet he told me not today. I tried rubbing his arms gently but when I raised his right arm it hurt him. His whole body was hurting and it wasn't comforting any more. It made me sad.
We did a lot of sitting and waiting. Waiting for the next step to happen and it always came. The hospice nurse said he was right on schedule each time she came. On Thursday (the day he passed) I questioned what the schedule was. She told us the things that we could visually see...mottling...which are little patches that look like tiny bruises. She said that usually they start on their feet but daddy's were on his upper legs and back and side. I think it's because I rubbed his feet and legs daily that it didn't show up there.
While we waited the family came and went. My brothers are so wonderful and loved playing with the kids. My kids and grands love these two Uncles of theirs. They added laughter to each day which I am positive my daddy enjoyed hearing. I know I enjoyed the laughter each day.
While we waited we played games. We played cards (flip it) and my mom played solitaire a lot and worked on her cross word puzzles. I took my IPad which ended up being in someone's hand most of the time. (usually not mine) I read a great book about leaving this life....The Message. I enjoyed reading about the next life at this time. That is one of the reasons I borrowed this book last week at book club. It brought me more peace and a little more understanding. It wasn't profound but plain and simple. The message is Service. It's the secret to happiness and the answer to most problems. It made me think and I want to be even more mindful and act on promptings and thoughts a bit more. Service doesn't have to be overwhelming or cost money. It can be so simple....we just need to think and act.
My daddy said some things at the end that I wanted to remember. He has a wit about him that continued to make us smile. Here are a few of the things he said...some might have been said because of the medicine. "I need an Airport", "Chuck E Cheese", Is this front year big enough?" (my mom had told him that he needed to prepare heaven for us), "I'm fair to meddling", "I want to cross the street" (I told him he should),"It's white, it's very, very white". One of our favorites: "Have I come unglued yet? I need to come unglued", "I wish you could make it better", "Can I say one more thing?" "You need to write this down" we waited but he never told us the one thing. The saddest of all: "I'm going Ape Sh** Crazy". He was hurting and his poor head felt like it was going to explode. It broke my heart!
Some of the tender things that happened was he still winked at my mom. He expressed his love to us all unless my mom told him to. He had told her plenty of times that he loved her but she pushed for more and one day he just wouldn't say it. I kind of got a kick out of that and reminded my mom that she knew he loved her. The last expression of love that came verbally that I heard was to Jared. Jared came over on Wednesday night and before he left I told him to go talk to Grandpa. He went in and gently took grandpa's hand and said "Hey Grandpa" which my daddy replied; "Hey Pard". Jared then bent down and kissed his grandpa's head and told him that he loved him. It was strained and raspy but grandpa told Jared that he loved him too.
The last sign that came full force Wednesday Night was the death rattle. It had been coming and was heard this week but Wednesday night it kept daddy coughing and he tried clearing his throat. I knew I had heard Susan talk about something to help with that but I didn't know what it was or what to even look for. Susan was working but Thursday morning she knew just what to do. There was some liquid that helped dry all that up. Susan put a few drops on her finger and gave it to dad. We continued that and the morphine the rest of the day. It helped and daddy rested. In fact, I'm pretty sure he did some traveling this day. I don't believe he was always with us. I think my friends sensed things this day. I received a few texts at about the same time asking about my dad. It was getting so close.
I feel honored to have been with my daddy when he took his last breath. Jaydan and Braxton had both just stopped over and we were in the room with daddy while the others visited in the kitchen. Bennett had also stepped into the room. I noticed the vein in daddy's neck and was focusing on his pulse...I hadn't notice it before. His breathing had been weird for days. He'd breath and then pause for a long time before continuing but he always would take another breath. I just had that "feeling" that this was it. So I stood there and watched. He breathed and paused and breathed again. Then his body jerked ever so slightly and made a little squeaky noise as a bit of air entered one last time. I didn't notice that air leave but everything was still....we waited for another breath but it never came. Daddy's fight and test was over....he had finally graduated from this life.
Bennett got the rest of the family and we joined hands circling daddy's bed. My mom asked Jaydan to offer a prayer. I don't even remember what Jaydan said. I do remember that after just a few tears he was able to talk without a problem. I remember thinking that my daddy was standing right by Jaydan helping him. It was serene and peaceful....the perfect ending to this life. My prayers were answered...I was there with my daddy when he passed. I'm not sure why it was so important for me but it was. I was worried I'd be the only one that wasn't. That is why I didn't leave my parent's for a week. If I would have done the things on my calendar I would have been getting ready to leave for SNAP...I might have even left. It was 6:06 when daddy passed on October 16, 2014.
Death is bittersweet! The pain is huge when the love is huge! This hurt and I guess it's because I loved my daddy so much....so very, very much! I can't wait to say Hello!
Something I noticed. Even though I knew daddy's spirit was gone from his body I loved having his body with us. It was something tangible and kind of hard to see it leave. Before he left I stroked his beautiful hair some more and kissed his wonderful head. I'm already looking forward to seeing him one more time before his body is placed to rest. It was just a new and different experience for me...it was nice.
