The Weekend

We had a Halloween Party at SNAP and I went for a few minutes because I needed to take cookies and I wanted to say Hi to my friends. I really enjoy how fun the participants of SNAP are.  They have such kind hearts and enjoy everything.  A ward from West Haven came and had activities set up like a carnival.  It looked like everyone was enjoying themselves.

I went up to my mom's after so that I could spend the night one last time with my siblings.  Really the reason was so that I could go with my sister bright and early to take Bennett to the Airport.  We needed to leave at 4:00 and it just seemed like a better idea to all be at mom's instead of having to get up early and drive there.  We watched the "Golden Girl's" and ate popcorn before heading to bed.  Before Bennett went downstairs he was goofing off with his teeth.  He ended up spitting them at me which is seriously disgusting but also funny.  I'm going to miss my brothers.  Terry was being picked up early too to head back to Oregon.  We passed David at the bottom of the hill (Old Kar Kwik).  I sure enjoyed the time we had and the memories we made.  Life is constantly changing and we just got a big change.

On Friday Larry called and said that we had better run to SLC to check out the show that Justin and Brandon had trailers at.  I said that would be fine but when he got home he didn't feel like it and suggested we go on Saturday.  He wasn't pleased at all to hear that I couldn't because I had a play.  He didn't talk much to me the rest of the night or much the next day.  He did admit he was having his own little pity party.  I just thought it's interesting how Satan can creep into our lives and he knows when we are vulnerable and tired...that's when he hits!  Satan is the biggest jerk!  Larry's party didn't last long and by the time I got home from the play he was over it.

The play was really fun.  Satan was a big jerk in this play too.  He's such a smooth talking liar.  This was a fun play though with lots of great music.  I really enjoyed being at it with Barbie, Heather, Carol, Natalie and some very cute little's.  I always enjoy this fun group.  I am glad I had something fun to do since the last few weeks were exhausting.  Plenty of good things and plenty of hard things.  The thought just came to me..."Life is to be enjoyed not just endured".  We did lots of enduring and so now  I am going to continue enjoying.

Daddy's Funeral

I knew losing my daddy was going to be hard.  I never thought about losing any of my parents until about a year ago.  I was taking my mom and dad to their neighbors funerals and that's when reality hit.  I remember being so thankful that I was lucky enough to still have both my parents.  I dreaded this day but knew it was approaching.

In my mind 80 is still young.  I had a friend recently tell me that any thing over 80 is a bonus.  It's funny to me that 80 seems young...it's only because I am coming up on it so quick.  It's a good life to reach 80 and my dad passed that.  Daddy had a good life.  I did see some slowing the last few years but it was still good.

I anticipated that today would be heart breaking and it was but not like I had thought.  I believe the prayers of others helped soften the hurt.  I had many friends sending me sweet, thoughtful texts and messages and I could feel their love and it helped so much.  I couldn't have got through this without the love and support of my family and friends.  They strengthen me so much.  I had a few friends surprise me by showing up to the family viewing and graveside.  It was a wonderful surprise that meant so much.  My friends are my family and there is always someone there for me physically and in spirit.  I am thankful for that.  Tonya and her sweet mommy were here today too but only ended up in group photo's...kind of hard to see.  Tonya and her mom have been there for me since I was five years old...oh how I love them.

The day was beautiful.  It was warm and wonderful....so perfect for a graveside service.  When we pulled into the cemetery we thought there must be another funeral as well because there were so many people and cars.  In reality they were there for us.  My daddy is loved and so is his family.  It was a wonderful sight and it made me cry. (again)

The grandson's were the pallbearers. Grandpa John must be so proud of his posterity.  They are all great young men.  I know I was proud as I watched them carry their grandpa to his resting place.  The thought came to me "he's not heavy...he's our grandpa".  (Little "jingles" pop into my head at times and sometimes a word will change to fit the event.)

So many people....so much love! All of my dad's nieces and nephews came...he was the last of his generation left from his family. A sad day for each of us but we know it won't be long until we meet again.  I can't wait for the next "Hello".  My friend messaged me that the next Hello is for Eternity.  That was a comforting thought and I used it in my talk.

                                 
We had a time for sharing memories so that anyone could if they wanted.  My sister started it off (I was so proud of her).  I loved the memories she shared.  Dad taught her math because she would need it the rest of her life.  She told how he was confused in the Hospital and said he was Esther Ruth and his birthday was a combination of his and mom's. We all mentioned his tomatoes and his singing to us.

I got up next and expressed my love and respect to my mom.  I am impressed with her strength and how she was so good to my dad and the respect she showed to him.  I shared how my mom had said that she saw daddy in each of us.  Even though I don't know what she see's this is what I see: Terry has an unconditional love for everyone and sees their good. Susan has a quiet manner like my dad.  She's soft spoken and when she has something to say everyone listens.  My little brother Bennett looks so much like my daddy and loves to fish and hunt like daddy did.  It's my hands that remind me of my daddy.  They look like his and I hope they will always be kind like his.  I am even starting to get the purple arms like my daddy. (I wish I didn't have that similarity)  I wrote a poem to sum up a few memories.  (posted at the bottom)

My little brother said that dad told him never to throw anything away.  You just might need a bike pedal someday.  Bennett had found 2 bike pedal's in the garage.  I liked how Bennett said that dad lives on in everyone that was there.  William and Jaydan (grandson's) shared a few memories and my cousin Kay said a few things.  It was winding up and the Bishop didn't think anyone else was going to share and just about that time my big brother stood up. (I was so glad)  His words were good but my memory isn't and I can't remember now what he said.  Everything was all loving and wonderful though and I think daddy would have been pleased.  We kept it simple.  My dad liked simple and called himself a simple man.

I believe he was smiling and knows how much he is loved.  Daddy will surely be missed. He was a simple man that had a huge impact on all of us!

My Poem:

I wanted to be like my daddy and so I ate ketchup on French toast, I fished and even gutted the things hoping my daddy would boast.

I got my feddish for chocolate from my daddy dear.  He liked chocolate like I do and always had some near.

I loved to sit on daddy's lap and watch the baseball games….I knew so many players and could even call them by name.

My favorite place to watch TV was laying on daddies behind…it never seemed to bother him I'm sure he didn't mind.

I remember standing on daddy's feet, around the kitchen we'd dance….so thankful for these memories I'm glad I had the chance.

My daddy use to darn his socks he'd put a light bulb in the toe…he could have just bought new socks but instead he chose to sew.

Daddy was so modest as modest as can be, he'd poke his head from his room and look both ways then hurry across to the bathroom being sure no one would see.

One time for valentines he gave me Mystic Mint Cookie, my favorite at the time…daddy knew how to make us smile he was so always so very kind.

Daddy used Duct tape for everything his old orange coat was covered too…his grandson liked it almost as much and completely transformed his shoe.

Daddy taught me to drive a car and I went a little too fast… he had to pull the brake a few times to make sure that we would last.

Daddy was so tender and hardly spanked us kids at all and when he did I remember hearing him stand by the steps and bawl.

He puttered around the yard and made wonderful creations in his shop…he grew tomatoes, flowers, apples and grapes we liked them all a lot.

Daddy liked to take pictures and I do too…it helps me to remember all the things that we all do.

Mom and dad were thrifty and they never had a debt…I learned that wonderful lesson from them… one I won't forget.

He saw the good in others and taught me to do the same…playing with others emotions was never to be a game.

We all loved to hear him sing it always made us smile.  When he played his fake "air" ukulele he strummed that thing with style.

Growing up my mommy told me that I was daddy's favorite little light…but I understand my daddy's heart and he loved each of us with all his might.

There was one however more special than the rest…he padded her bottom and winked at her. ..yep! His wife he loved the best!

When Mom asked dad to try harder to get better to her he did reply, For You my Dear ….I will try!

Daddy is our Angel now to help us through this life; he will watch over and help us whenever there is strife.

I know he loves us all so much and we all love him too…Families are forever I know this to be true!

We'll say Good Bye for now as sad as it might be…but our next greeting will be Hello for all Eternity!

Life Goes On....Ready or Not

It's easier going and taking care of arrangements when they have already been done.  Mom and Dad went and chose what they wanted years ago and paid for it.  So, when we went it was pretty simple..we just had to pick times and days and verify everything.  I only cried for a minute or so when I thought some of my kids wouldn't be included.  It worked out perfect though and I believe everyone was happy and fine with the decisions made.  Waiting a week for the service seems so long but in a way it's kind of nice.  I get to see my daddy again and I look forward to that.  I know Thursday is going to be hard.  (Happy Tears..Happy Tears...trying to stay positive)

I was going to go to lunch with my siblings and mom on Saturday to Taggarts but lost the enthusiasm after some unpleasant things happened.  I have decided I will not fake that unfairness is okay...I won't be a part of it.  I decided that going and watching Kamryn play soccer and taking my girls to lunch is where I needed to be.  It was the right choice.  I love being with my girls and we all had a good time together.  Kimleighel was with Larry and Jared Deer Hunting.  Kelsi was with Braxton in Denver. The rest of us were able to go.  I love my girls and being with them.  We had a fun time!  They make my heart happy even when it was sad.

Tonya and Mark and so kind and came by one night to visit us and give us hugs.  They had been out of town and even though they were tired they came by.  I love them so much and it meant a lot to have them stop by.  I gave Tonya a "Sunshine Bag" because she is one of the kindest people I know.  She helps with her parents all the time is just plain wonderful!  I've had that bag waiting for her!

 Tuesday the "Hooper Honey's" went to lunch to celebrate Tammy.  Tammy's birthday is National Angel Food Cake day and so I got her a halo.  I was glad we were able to get together since they changed it because I was staying at my parents helping my dad.  It was nice being around my friends and feeling their love.  It was nice laughing and talking and just getting away for a minute.

 I've still wanted to spend time at my mom's and be around my brothers while they are here.  They make me smile and I am loving the time we have with them.  We had a few visitors one day.  My cousin, Jennifer was in town because her brother, Mike had passed on the 13th and they were having a family dinner to celebrate and honor Mike. (Mike was my dad's nephew)  I enjoyed visiting with Jennifer and loved listening to her talk.  I loved watching her facial expressions because it brought back a flood of memories.  Jennifer and I are the same age and use to have a lot of fun together.  Her expressions reminded me of her sweet sister Roxann who passed away about 4 years ago.

Tonya and Connie came up too and they brought thoughtful gifts for everyone.  They really are so thoughtful.  Tonya and I spent so much time at each other's homes.  There are so many memories. Tonya reminded us all how we use to climb up in the garage and play.  I guess my dad heard us and told us to be careful.  It was a little spot above the garage doors.  My parents used it for storage but we rearranged things so we could play house.  So many fun memories have been brought up this last month.  I really did have a fun life.

 Going up and down the road all the time can be boring but not all the time.  One day I was coming home and saw a big goat out standing on his back legs eating the leaves from a tree.  I wasn't quick enough with my camera.  However I was quick enough to get Braxton and Kelsi's "kids" one day.  They are cute and I always look at them coming and going.  Sometimes they make me laugh.  They are pretty darn cute.

So many people have showed such love and support to me.  I have received many texts, messages, cards, phone calls and just hugs from so many people. I even have a friend who brought dinner to my family and my mom and siblings.  She wouldn't take no for an answer. (she's bringing more on Thursday..I can't stop her...I've tried)  It really does help~all of it.  I really do feel blessed to be loved by so many.  I had a friend tell me the other day that we love differently.  Some people aren't capable of loving lots of people.  These kind of people show favorites and love those they associate with.  Then there are people who can love and treat everyone the same.  It doesn't matter how much time is spent with another for them to still be loved and treasured.  I'm like that....I really can and do love many people no matter how often I see them or how much time we spend together.  I was grateful for that piece of knowledge.  I shouldn't be upset if someone isn't "capable" of loving like I do.  I got that kind of love from my daddy...that's how he loved! 

So I know a few posts back I said I didn't want a lot of flowers at mine or Larry's funerals.  I might have to take that back.  Flowers make me smile and are appreciated since they are a form of love.  I'm feeling really loved.

My Daddy's Program for His Service

My mom was pleased with how this turned out.  I was also happy with it and glad that I was able to put it together.

*my ♥ hurts looking at my daddy and remembering all the things he taught me and did for me and with me.  I guess that ache will never fully heal until we say "Hello" again.

*Sometimes when I get slapped, I slap back instead of turning the other cheek.  I'm not  happy to admit that but it's true....I try to be nice but sometimes I react instead of acting like the slap didn't hurt!

I really am daddy's favorite

Last week I told my sister I was daddy's favorite.  We joked about believing that we really were.  When I was young my mom told me often that I was daddy's favorite and I believed her and it was good thinking that. (I knew I wasn't hers...she also told me that)  Being the favorite or least favorite really didn't matter.  I knew I was loved by both my parents and I was taken good care of.  I have had a very happy life and mostly good, happy memories.

When I had children I realized that I really wasn't my daddy's favorite but that we all were in our own way.  I know that because that is how I feel.  Each one of my children is my favorite in their own way.

Friday after going to the Mortuary and Cemetery we came back to mom's and Susan was looking for pictures so I could make the program for the Graveside Service Program. (I didn't want to pay $50 for the impersonal ones the Mortuary makes which is silly of me because they would have been included in the funds and now I will pay for them)  Anyway...Susan came out of my dads room saying: "You really were dads favorite.  She had my dad wallet and there were only 3 pictures in it. The first was of my mom and a brand new baby (mom's thinks it was Terry) the next two were me!  So in reality two pictures of me and two of my mom....but the picture with just one person was me!  I'm the favorite!

 (as I mentioned before I know that isn't true...my dad loved us all the same)

Feeling Blue

I returned to my home on Friday to shower and get cleaned up.  I needed to just come home and be cleansed from the inside out.  It's easier to cry when I'm alone.  I cried the whole way home.  I had stopped but started again when I noticed a big box on my bed with my name.  I opened the box and more tears spilled from my eyes.  Some people are so thoughtful and clever.  The note said "We" and so I think this was a team effort.  It was anonymous which is always kind of nice.  The brain starts thinking of all the people it could be.  It's a time you think everyone could be responsible for this.  In a way everyone gets credit....it could be them!  I truly appreciate all the love and kindness expressed to me.  I appreciate all the prayers said for me and my family...they help!

Kindness and Love do help soothe a hurting heart.....both are very magical!

It's a lot of work to pass from this life

Passing to the next life is exhausting and it hurts.  You could actually see the life drain from my sweet daddy this week.  He hurt and he was weak but he remained polite and thanked us for doing anything for him.  He still expressed his love to us.  But slowly he dwindled getting smaller and smaller.  It was sad to watch but also good to watch so that we could let him go.  We all prayed that the hurting could stop.  We all prayed that he could pass.  We were all as ready as we were going to be.

 I enjoyed staying at my parents home this last week.  I enjoyed basking in the love that filled the walls.  Many of the family came and went and each added to the love there.

We were good at keeping my daddy comfortable.  (or at least we tried really hard)  I rubbed his feet, legs and arms every day until just a day or two before he passed.  When I asked him if he would like me to rub his feet he told me not today.  I tried rubbing his arms gently but when I raised his right arm it hurt him.  His whole body was hurting and it wasn't comforting any more.  It made me sad.

 We did a lot of sitting and waiting.  Waiting for the next step to happen and it always came.  The hospice nurse said he was right on schedule each time she came.  On Thursday (the day he passed) I questioned what the schedule was.  She told us the things that we could visually see...mottling...which are little patches that look like tiny bruises.  She said that usually they start on their feet but daddy's were on his upper legs and back and side.  I think it's because I rubbed his feet and legs daily that it didn't show up there.

While we waited the family came and went.  My brothers are so wonderful and loved playing with the kids.  My kids and grands love these two Uncles of theirs.  They added laughter to each day which I am positive my daddy enjoyed hearing.  I know I enjoyed the laughter each day.

While we waited we played games.  We played cards (flip it) and my mom played solitaire a lot and worked on her cross word puzzles.  I took my IPad which ended up being in someone's hand most of the time. (usually not mine)  I read a great book about leaving this life....The Message.  I enjoyed reading about the next life at this time. That is one of the reasons I borrowed this book last week at book club.  It brought me more peace and a little more understanding.  It wasn't profound but plain and simple.  The message is Service.  It's the secret to happiness and the answer to most problems.  It made me think and I want to be even more mindful and act on promptings and thoughts a bit more.  Service doesn't have to be overwhelming or cost money.  It can be so simple....we just need to think and act.

My daddy said some things at the end that I wanted to remember.  He has a wit about him that continued to make us smile.  Here are a few of the things he said...some might have been said because of the medicine.  "I need an Airport", "Chuck E Cheese", Is this front year big enough?" (my mom had told him that he needed to prepare heaven for us), "I'm fair to meddling", "I want to cross the street" (I told him he should),"It's white, it's very, very white". One of our favorites: "Have I come unglued yet? I need to come unglued", "I wish you could make it better", "Can I say one more thing?" "You need to write this down" we waited but he never told us the one thing.  The saddest of all: "I'm going Ape Sh** Crazy".  He was hurting and his poor head felt like it was going to explode.  It broke my heart!

Some of the tender things that happened was he still winked at my mom.  He expressed his love to us all unless my mom told him to.  He had told her plenty of times that he loved her but she pushed for more and one day he just wouldn't say it.  I kind of got a kick out of that and reminded my mom that she knew he loved her.  The last expression of love that came verbally that I heard was to Jared.  Jared came over on Wednesday night and before he left I told him to go talk to Grandpa.  He went in and gently took grandpa's hand and said "Hey Grandpa" which my daddy replied; "Hey Pard". Jared then bent down and kissed his grandpa's head and told him that he loved him.  It was strained and raspy but grandpa told Jared that he loved him too.

The last sign that came full force Wednesday Night was the death rattle.  It had been coming and was heard this week but Wednesday night it kept daddy coughing and he tried clearing his throat.  I knew I had heard Susan talk about something to help with that but I didn't know what it was or what to even look for.  Susan was working but Thursday morning she knew just what to do.  There was some liquid that helped dry all that up.  Susan put a few drops on her finger and gave it to dad.  We continued that and the morphine the rest of the day.  It helped and daddy rested.  In fact, I'm pretty sure he did some traveling this day.  I don't believe he was always with us.  I think my friends sensed things this day.  I received a few texts at about the same time asking about my dad.  It was getting so close.

I feel honored to have been with my daddy when he took his last breath.  Jaydan and Braxton had both just stopped over and we were in the room with daddy while the others visited in the kitchen.  Bennett had also stepped into the room.  I noticed the vein in daddy's neck and was focusing on his pulse...I hadn't notice it before.  His breathing had been weird for days.  He'd breath and then pause for a long time before continuing but he always would take another breath.  I just had that "feeling" that this was it.  So I stood there and watched.  He breathed and paused and breathed again.  Then his body jerked ever so slightly and made a little squeaky noise as a bit of air entered one last time.   I didn't notice that air leave but everything was still....we waited for another breath but it never came.  Daddy's fight and test was over....he had finally graduated from this life.

Bennett got the rest of the family and we joined hands circling daddy's bed.  My mom asked Jaydan to offer a prayer. I don't even remember what Jaydan said.  I do remember that after just a few tears he was able to talk without a problem.  I remember thinking that my daddy was standing right by Jaydan helping him.  It was serene and peaceful....the perfect ending to this life.  My prayers were answered...I was there with my daddy when he passed.  I'm not sure why it was so important for me but it was.  I was worried I'd be the only one that wasn't.  That is why I didn't leave my parent's for a week.  If I would have done the things on my calendar I would have been getting ready to leave for SNAP...I might have even left.  It was 6:06 when daddy passed on October 16, 2014.

Death is bittersweet!  The pain is huge when the love is huge!  This hurt and I guess it's because I loved my daddy so much....so very, very much!  I can't wait to say Hello!

Something I noticed.  Even though I knew daddy's spirit was gone from his body I loved having his body with us.  It was something tangible and kind of hard to see it leave.  Before he left I stroked his beautiful hair some more and kissed his wonderful head.  I'm already looking forward to seeing him one more time before his body is placed to rest.  It was just a new and different experience for me...it was nice.