My Daddy's Program for His Service

My mom was pleased with how this turned out.  I was also happy with it and glad that I was able to put it together.

*my ♥ hurts looking at my daddy and remembering all the things he taught me and did for me and with me.  I guess that ache will never fully heal until we say "Hello" again.

*Sometimes when I get slapped, I slap back instead of turning the other cheek.  I'm not  happy to admit that but it's true....I try to be nice but sometimes I react instead of acting like the slap didn't hurt!

I really am daddy's favorite

Last week I told my sister I was daddy's favorite.  We joked about believing that we really were.  When I was young my mom told me often that I was daddy's favorite and I believed her and it was good thinking that. (I knew I wasn't hers...she also told me that)  Being the favorite or least favorite really didn't matter.  I knew I was loved by both my parents and I was taken good care of.  I have had a very happy life and mostly good, happy memories.

When I had children I realized that I really wasn't my daddy's favorite but that we all were in our own way.  I know that because that is how I feel.  Each one of my children is my favorite in their own way.

Friday after going to the Mortuary and Cemetery we came back to mom's and Susan was looking for pictures so I could make the program for the Graveside Service Program. (I didn't want to pay $50 for the impersonal ones the Mortuary makes which is silly of me because they would have been included in the funds and now I will pay for them)  Anyway...Susan came out of my dads room saying: "You really were dads favorite.  She had my dad wallet and there were only 3 pictures in it. The first was of my mom and a brand new baby (mom's thinks it was Terry) the next two were me!  So in reality two pictures of me and two of my mom....but the picture with just one person was me!  I'm the favorite!

 (as I mentioned before I know that isn't true...my dad loved us all the same)

Feeling Blue

I returned to my home on Friday to shower and get cleaned up.  I needed to just come home and be cleansed from the inside out.  It's easier to cry when I'm alone.  I cried the whole way home.  I had stopped but started again when I noticed a big box on my bed with my name.  I opened the box and more tears spilled from my eyes.  Some people are so thoughtful and clever.  The note said "We" and so I think this was a team effort.  It was anonymous which is always kind of nice.  The brain starts thinking of all the people it could be.  It's a time you think everyone could be responsible for this.  In a way everyone gets credit....it could be them!  I truly appreciate all the love and kindness expressed to me.  I appreciate all the prayers said for me and my family...they help!

Kindness and Love do help soothe a hurting heart.....both are very magical!

It's a lot of work to pass from this life

Passing to the next life is exhausting and it hurts.  You could actually see the life drain from my sweet daddy this week.  He hurt and he was weak but he remained polite and thanked us for doing anything for him.  He still expressed his love to us.  But slowly he dwindled getting smaller and smaller.  It was sad to watch but also good to watch so that we could let him go.  We all prayed that the hurting could stop.  We all prayed that he could pass.  We were all as ready as we were going to be.

 I enjoyed staying at my parents home this last week.  I enjoyed basking in the love that filled the walls.  Many of the family came and went and each added to the love there.

We were good at keeping my daddy comfortable.  (or at least we tried really hard)  I rubbed his feet, legs and arms every day until just a day or two before he passed.  When I asked him if he would like me to rub his feet he told me not today.  I tried rubbing his arms gently but when I raised his right arm it hurt him.  His whole body was hurting and it wasn't comforting any more.  It made me sad.

 We did a lot of sitting and waiting.  Waiting for the next step to happen and it always came.  The hospice nurse said he was right on schedule each time she came.  On Thursday (the day he passed) I questioned what the schedule was.  She told us the things that we could visually see...mottling...which are little patches that look like tiny bruises.  She said that usually they start on their feet but daddy's were on his upper legs and back and side.  I think it's because I rubbed his feet and legs daily that it didn't show up there.

While we waited the family came and went.  My brothers are so wonderful and loved playing with the kids.  My kids and grands love these two Uncles of theirs.  They added laughter to each day which I am positive my daddy enjoyed hearing.  I know I enjoyed the laughter each day.

While we waited we played games.  We played cards (flip it) and my mom played solitaire a lot and worked on her cross word puzzles.  I took my IPad which ended up being in someone's hand most of the time. (usually not mine)  I read a great book about leaving this life....The Message.  I enjoyed reading about the next life at this time. That is one of the reasons I borrowed this book last week at book club.  It brought me more peace and a little more understanding.  It wasn't profound but plain and simple.  The message is Service.  It's the secret to happiness and the answer to most problems.  It made me think and I want to be even more mindful and act on promptings and thoughts a bit more.  Service doesn't have to be overwhelming or cost money.  It can be so simple....we just need to think and act.

My daddy said some things at the end that I wanted to remember.  He has a wit about him that continued to make us smile.  Here are a few of the things he said...some might have been said because of the medicine.  "I need an Airport", "Chuck E Cheese", Is this front year big enough?" (my mom had told him that he needed to prepare heaven for us), "I'm fair to meddling", "I want to cross the street" (I told him he should),"It's white, it's very, very white". One of our favorites: "Have I come unglued yet? I need to come unglued", "I wish you could make it better", "Can I say one more thing?" "You need to write this down" we waited but he never told us the one thing.  The saddest of all: "I'm going Ape Sh** Crazy".  He was hurting and his poor head felt like it was going to explode.  It broke my heart!

Some of the tender things that happened was he still winked at my mom.  He expressed his love to us all unless my mom told him to.  He had told her plenty of times that he loved her but she pushed for more and one day he just wouldn't say it.  I kind of got a kick out of that and reminded my mom that she knew he loved her.  The last expression of love that came verbally that I heard was to Jared.  Jared came over on Wednesday night and before he left I told him to go talk to Grandpa.  He went in and gently took grandpa's hand and said "Hey Grandpa" which my daddy replied; "Hey Pard". Jared then bent down and kissed his grandpa's head and told him that he loved him.  It was strained and raspy but grandpa told Jared that he loved him too.

The last sign that came full force Wednesday Night was the death rattle.  It had been coming and was heard this week but Wednesday night it kept daddy coughing and he tried clearing his throat.  I knew I had heard Susan talk about something to help with that but I didn't know what it was or what to even look for.  Susan was working but Thursday morning she knew just what to do.  There was some liquid that helped dry all that up.  Susan put a few drops on her finger and gave it to dad.  We continued that and the morphine the rest of the day.  It helped and daddy rested.  In fact, I'm pretty sure he did some traveling this day.  I don't believe he was always with us.  I think my friends sensed things this day.  I received a few texts at about the same time asking about my dad.  It was getting so close.

I feel honored to have been with my daddy when he took his last breath.  Jaydan and Braxton had both just stopped over and we were in the room with daddy while the others visited in the kitchen.  Bennett had also stepped into the room.  I noticed the vein in daddy's neck and was focusing on his pulse...I hadn't notice it before.  His breathing had been weird for days.  He'd breath and then pause for a long time before continuing but he always would take another breath.  I just had that "feeling" that this was it.  So I stood there and watched.  He breathed and paused and breathed again.  Then his body jerked ever so slightly and made a little squeaky noise as a bit of air entered one last time.   I didn't notice that air leave but everything was still....we waited for another breath but it never came.  Daddy's fight and test was over....he had finally graduated from this life.

Bennett got the rest of the family and we joined hands circling daddy's bed.  My mom asked Jaydan to offer a prayer. I don't even remember what Jaydan said.  I do remember that after just a few tears he was able to talk without a problem.  I remember thinking that my daddy was standing right by Jaydan helping him.  It was serene and peaceful....the perfect ending to this life.  My prayers were answered...I was there with my daddy when he passed.  I'm not sure why it was so important for me but it was.  I was worried I'd be the only one that wasn't.  That is why I didn't leave my parent's for a week.  If I would have done the things on my calendar I would have been getting ready to leave for SNAP...I might have even left.  It was 6:06 when daddy passed on October 16, 2014.

Death is bittersweet!  The pain is huge when the love is huge!  This hurt and I guess it's because I loved my daddy so much....so very, very much!  I can't wait to say Hello!

Something I noticed.  Even though I knew daddy's spirit was gone from his body I loved having his body with us.  It was something tangible and kind of hard to see it leave.  Before he left I stroked his beautiful hair some more and kissed his wonderful head.  I'm already looking forward to seeing him one more time before his body is placed to rest.  It was just a new and different experience for me...it was nice.

Blurrrrrrr

My weeks are such a blur.  I can't remember even the things that I am suppose to do that are on the calendar.  Even as much as you want life to stop for a minute it doesn't.  It goes on and so do your responsibilities.  I go to my parents every day and rub my daddy's feet...he looks forward to me coming and rubbing his feet.  I am happy that I am able to serve him in this small way.

I believe we were blessed with a few really good days.  We all needed them especially my little brother, Bennett.  We laughed and had a good time those days and we were all together.  My parents and all their kids.  Having been blessed with those good days makes me realize that my daddy really is slipping....I can see it now.  Daddy gets really irritable in the evenings and I think he isn't comfortable in his own skin.  I feel that way when I am really tired...which I am sure is just slightly how my dad really feels.

My mom is so good and being so quiet and respectful.  I admire her strength at this time.  I can see how tired she is as well.  This is tiring for everyone in different ways.  It's hard letting go but it's hard watching someone you love be miserable too.
                                 
On Tuesday the only thing on my calendar was an ortho appointment for Jared after school.  I guess I didn't look at the calendar that day because I totally didn't know he had an appointment until Wednesday when I noticed his tooth was coming down so good.  We came home and there it was alone on the calendar and I missed it.  It makes me sick to miss appointments of any kind especially when I could have made it.  UGH!  I missed one in July too.  The day we were leaving for girls camp...things were changed in the morning and "Poof" I forgot.  I literally get sick to my stomach when I do such dumb things.  On Tuesday I went to the Temple first thing and then took lunch to my mom and siblings.  I was there early and had plenty of time to get home.  Heck I probably was home by then or very close.

Tuesday night Larry and I went to visit the Marks.  There son Dakota and his sweetheart just had a baby three months early and the little baby passed away on Monday.  Shelley knew that I would help her with anything and so we went to see what we could do.  I'm glad that Shelley asked for help...that makes me feel good.  That is what Visiting Teaching and Home Teaching are all about....making friends that trust you and will call you when they are in need.   I took Cary and Shelley a Sunshine Bag and also one for Dakota and Angelica.  My heart goes out to them.  My heart goes out to many of my friends at this time.  I have friends that have some big trials...I guess we always do.  One friend lost her best friend and has a suffering heart that will take time to heal.  I know she feels a huge void and hurts beyond word.  Another friend has a daughter suffering from an ugly divorce....ouch...that just hurts.  The list goes on and on.....everyone has something at some time or another.

Wednesday I went  early to rub my daddy's feet because I wanted to go to lunch with the Fun Bunch.  I didn't really tell my family what I was doing because I know they don't understand sometimes..heck neither do I.  It was good to be around my friends for a little while. I needed a little pick me up and some listening ears.

(when I went to the restroom my camera got used....I laughed and was caught off guard when I reviewed my pictures.)

 I had to leave to accompany the missionaries at Janet Price's house.  The missionaries text Larry the night before asking if I could do that.  I enjoyed going to Jane'ts....I love her!  Then we had piano which we ended up being a half hour late for.  (thank goodness Natalie understands)  I went to pick up Jared and my sweet friend Carla called and asked if I could stop by to pick up some dinner that she made for my entire family.  (she is seriously the sweetest)  She wanted to make it for my parents and brothers as well as my little family.  It was a blessing this day.

As we were leaving our cute guest, Gaby came out and needed a ride to the train station.  She was invited to meet her mission president in SLC.  It worked out well and we made it to my mom's and had a really nice, yummy dinner. There were a lot of  Yummmm sounds at the table.  Carla was so thoughtful and sent two large jars of canned peaches for my daddy.  He loved them and even purred while eating them.  (he purrs when he really enjoys something)  Larry and the other kids came up to which was nice so that we could all tell Terry good bye since he was leaving in the morning.  Kimi and I stayed a little longer.  My niece and her family came up and even though it didn't seem loud or hectic to me my dad got really irritable. (he was going Ape Sh** Crazy...his words) It was so sad to see him like that.  He said he was sorry when I left....I told him not to worry...things happen.  I broke on the way home.  By the evening my daddy is exhausted and tired....I can't handle seeing that.

I went over to The Voss's and finally gave Linda a Sunshine bag.  She goes to her serve her daddy every single morning.  I admire my friends who are taking such good care of their aging parents.

The Hospice nurse checked my dad and said he didn't have long.  He could go at any time or have a few weeks. Since hearing that my sister and I have spent the nights there.  I really feel like I am helping and that we are all needed.  We have figured out a little routine.  I have my dads feet, legs and arms to soft from lotioning and rubbing them.  He loves it which thrills me.  I am also able to help move my daddy when we repositon him.  My sister administers the meds and writes the amounts and times in a note book.  My little brother is the muscle.  We all decide together with my mom what we think needs to be done to help my daddy be the most comfortable.  I am so thankful Larry and my kids are good with me being gone.  I really need to be with my mom and dad and siblings at this time.  This time is going to pass soon and many good and wonderful things are happening during this very hard time.

My breakfast club/book club met early Friday morning so that I could join them.  I love that my friends like having me around and will arrange or change things so that I can go.  I had set up a birthday lunch with the "Hooper Honey's) for Friday and then knew I wouldn't be able to make it when I had the Mark Funeral to attend.  Instead of keeping the luncheon they changed it so I could attend.  Such a little act of kindness that means so much to me.

The Funeral for the little Mark baby was perfect in every way.  There was sadness of course but there was so much focus on how perfect little Drayden was and how he had accomplished what he needed to in his short weeks here.  I was honored to be of service to the Mark family by helping arrange and help at the luncheon the Ward did for them.  I love the Mark Family and our family is loved by them!

One of the days I came home for a minute my dear friend Kellie stopped over and gave me this yummy treat.  Kellie has much more on her plate yet took the time to come over to comfort me.  My trial is one we all will deal with ... it's part of life.  Our individual trials aren't part of everyone's life...we each get different ones that just plain hurt and are hard to bare...but some how we do.  These individual trials can take years ... they are hard.  I admire my friends that are able to look outside of themselves to express their love to me.  I have received many messages and texts and even some calls of love and concern.  All are very much appreciated and mean so much to me.  I seriously have the best friends

I've been spending a lot of time at this house this week.  I feel safe and happy here.  I always loved coming home to this home and the family that lives there.  So much love in those walls.  Even more now....we have all grown so much and the love has grown too.

***Larry told my brother Terry that he would drive to Oregon and bring him back.  Instead he was able to get Terry a one way plane ticket.  We plan on driving him back though and I am excited to see where he lives.  I've seen pictures and I know it is beautiful.  It will be nice to have Terry back.  I've been keeping the couch warm for him and might miss sleeping in the front room listening to my dad's breathing and moaning.  It's almost like having a new born.  You listen close and get use to the sounds that are okay.  It's been such a pleasure to me to serve my parents.

Sunday Break

I woke up listening to my daddy's breathing on  Sunday morning.  I was keeping the couch warm for Terry until he flew in again. (tomorrow...Monday)  My mom's Bishop and his Counselor brought us all the Sacrament.  Having the Sacrament served to me next to my daddy's bed was powerful.  The spirit filled my soul.  Today it meant so much to me...I wasn't distracted...I understood completely the privilege of taking it.  I watched my family also partake of it.  My little brother hadn't had the sacrament since he was a child and I could tell it meant a lot to him.  My daddy struggled a little but it was neat to see him partake of it as well.  I will always remember how special...or hope to remember this experience.  It was truly wonderful!

I went home to get dinner ready for my family.  Larry had also invited the sister missionaries over for dinner and so I left to get things ready.  It was wonderful being surrounded by my own little family..the ones I helped get here. ;)  It was a great day.  

We all enjoyed the missionaries and their wonderful spirits.  Our house was full of Angels.  In a few of these pictures you can see that we truly are surrounded my angels.

These little ones that call me gramma do magical things to my heart.  They are such a joy to have in my life.  I love all these little's so much.  I love their wonderful parents...they truly are wonderful!

My little Sunday Break was rewarding.  I appreciate the time we all have together.  The Love of Family truly is Life's Greatest Joy!

Oh what a week!

It's a complete joy for me to have my grands over.  Zaden ended up sleeping over with us on Monday which was good because he will be with his dad this weekend.  He liked that he got to spend the night by himself.  I liked that I got to wake up to his cute face on Monday because I knew this week was going to be hard.  My dad isn't doing good and I planned on spending time with him and my mom.

My brothers both came home to help with my dad.  I didn't know they were coming.  I guess because I keep my life so busy others don't think I need to know what's going on.  Twice this week I had people say something to me about being so busy.  Really the things I post only take a few hours of my day.  I do try to keep busy and I do try to plan things each day because those things keep me going.  However, I am very flexible and when I am needed I can change things.  I'm glad my brothers came home because I really had thought that they needed to.  

The doctors have tested my dad to find out why he doesn't feel good and why he is so weak.  They can't find anything really and so they aren't able to treat him because there really isn't anything to fix.  His heart and kidney's are both starting to fail but it's because they are worn out not because they have an infection or anything.  Tuesday it was decided by the entire family, including my dad that he would go home with Hospice.  Hospice keeps the patient comfortable.  Because life isn't being sustained anymore my dad is able to quit taking his heart and kidney meds.  In a way that is nice because they made his mind foggy...now he can think normally.  It was hard for me to see my dad frustrated and anxious.  I realized coming home that night that no amount of preparation is enough when you are letting someone you love go.  It hurts....it will always hurt as long as there is love between you.  

Hillary and Brian came in for a visit.  I think it's a tender mercy that they are here at this time.  Hillary is such a cutie and always invites me to go to lunch with her while she is here.  This week wasn't very good and so they brought lunch to all of us at the hospital on Tuesday.  I love my cute niece and her cute family.  They are just plain good through and through.

When I came home on Tuesday I passed my cute visiting teacher who had just left me a little treat for this month.  I seriously believe she was inspired to wait until the last day of the month because I needed that little act of love on this day.  Heavenly Father knew that on this day I was going to have a hard time and he sent my visiting teacher to me.  I know many will say that was a coincident even Mindy said she was just a slacker.....I don't believe it.

It's hard to let someone go but it's even harder to watch them slowly die.  I have more compassion for my friends and family that have experienced this.  I was with my sister when her hubby died but this is different....this is my blood....the man who has always been there for me.  The man who has taught me so much.  The man that provided and protected me.  The man I call daddy!

On Wednesday I had a lunch date with Debbie.  We have been wanting to go for months and had just planned this get together on Monday.  I thought about postponing it but didn't because I needed a little break.  It worked out that I took Trichelle with me.  I love cute Debbie and she is very supportive and is also going through a similar experience with her dad.  After lunch Trichelle and I picked up Ivy and went back up to my parents home.  We visited some more.  My daddy mostly slept this day.  I enjoy the little stories that I am hearing.  I like having my family together.  I love seeing the love between my mom and dad.  I am glad that my mom is being carried at this time and is doing so well.  That is comforting to me.

I don't feel like I am doing anything and I need to be doing something.  The "thought" came to scatter a little sunshine.  I couldn't remember what treats I needed for more bags and so I just went and bought all the treats again.  My house has a bunch of treats right now.

I got up early on Thursday and made 6 Sunshine bags.  I took them all with me to my parents even though I knew that I was just planning on giving out four.  I knew soon who the other two were for.  I gave them to my brothers my sister and my mom.  I also gave one to Paula who just "happened" to be here from West Virginia this week and was checking on her parents home right next to my parents.  She just went through this with her dad this last year.  I gave her one of the Sunshine Bags and the other one I will give to another neighbor who takes care of her dad that lives across the street from my parents. Linda comes in the morning though and so I had missed her.  She will get it next week.  There is something about doing something nice for others that helps take my mind off of my hurt.  I felt good for scattering a little sunshine with the others.  There is also something about cranking the radio up so you can't think....I did that a few times this week and will probably continue to turn the music up until my daddy passes.

Larry and I had been planning on taking Vicky to lunch since Dave passed away and it's been ten months already and so on Friday we took her to LaFerovia.  I had told my mom that I would take dinner for her and the boys on Friday  and so I started getting things ready before lunch.  I finished up after lunch and Jared and I took it up.  Larry and Kimleighel came a little later when Kimi got off work.  We decided to just eat with them that night.  Again I felt good for doing something...for serving my brothers and my mom.  Everyone enjoyed the meal and I left the left overs so that my brothers could get themselves some if they got hungry.  Earlier in the week I took a large bag of rolls and some soup mixes that they could make up.  It makes me feel bad that my mom is preparing meals for everyone....but maybe that makes her feel good...I don't know. (my dad has said "I don't know" a lot this last little while)

Justin brought his family up Friday night but my dad had just fell asleep.  Daddy had been doing well that day and was alert and awake and even eating.  He had just barely started to hurt before Justin's family came and so he had been given some pain med and it put him to sleep.

 I had enjoyed seeing him awake and visiting with him.  Some times I wonder if it really is his time to go.  When he is doing good I wonder and kind of believe that he will get stronger and maybe even better.  Then I remember how he has been the last little while and my brothers or hubby remind me that he is on some good pain reliever that is helping him to be comfortable.  I realize I suffer with denial.  I didn't think my daddy was as bad as he was until I really stopped and thought about it.  Now I find myself believing he is getting stronger and might get better when I see him have a good day.  One thing I do know is that I will cherish the time we have left.  I will try to find ways to serve my siblings, mom and dad.  I will enjoy this time that we have together right now.

Saturday I stayed busy with the grands.  Larry and I went to Kamryn's soccer game and then I got to watch Justin and Natalie's cute little ones while they went to SLC for Conference.  The grands are so cute and Macie is a little scooter girl.  She can get all over now and it's fun to watch her explore.  I gave her a little burp cloth and she acted like she was cleaning with it.  She played with the little burpie for quite some time.  Natalie visited with me while the guys went to the Priesthood Meeting.

 We went to LaFerrovia after the Priesthood Meeting because that is what we always do...it's a tradition...a family tradition.  We missed TJ, Zaden, and Kelsi but we were happy to have Gaby from Mexico join us.  (Gaby is staying at our house for a week while she is visiting UT)  I love my silly family.  I love how they pose for pictures because they are so silly and make this mommy smile.  I laughed when Trichelle crawled under that table to get to her chair and to get back out.  I love the kid in all my kids.  My grands are little chips off the blocks....all of them!

Another tradition on Conference Weekend is to have the grands sleep over.  This year Zaden was at his dads but he was okay with missing since he got to sleep over Monday all by himself.  The grands always have a great time together.  They are getting easier each year.  I let them play until 11:00 and then had them so to bed.  They were pretty good about settling down.  I didn't hear them until about 8:30 am.  I made them french toast and got out the dress ups so they could play before their parents came and got them.  I like our little tradition that Ivy kind of started.  She would ask to spend the night and since I really try to be fair we started having everyone.  This weekend Ivy was with her dad but I just text him and Martha and asked if Ivy could come...they like me and said Yes!  I like them too!  I love that the grands play so well together and love being together.  I hope the always will.

We went up to my parents between Conference and my daddy was doing great.  He was awake and talking.  He asked us about his legs not working.  We told him that his legs kind of gave out a week or so ago.  His mind is doing good and he has ate better the last couple of days.  I wanted to do something for my daddy and I thought that maybe I could rub his feet.  He said that would be wonderful and so I got some cream and rubbed away.  Normally I think his feet might gross me out a little since men's feet kind of do and older people's are worse.  I wasn't grossed out but then again I really didn't look at his feet while I rubbed them.  Dad liked it so much he asked us to comb his hair.  I let Jared have the pleasure of doing that.  My dad was loving all the TLC (tender lovin care)  He asked Kimleighel what she was going to do and she decided to rub his hands with lotion.  He purred his little purr....which of course made me smile.  It was such a great visit.  Daddy mentioned he was eager to get his grip back for a good hand shake.  I think he's got some fight left in him. I don't think he's ready to leave us quite yet....I'm thankful for that.

Next week I think I will see if my mom needs help with any cleaning.  I want to be of service because when I serve I just feel good.  This is a crazy time.  I don't understand everything and ask a lot of why's but I do know that I have Faith in God and also His Timing.  I'm thankful for the memories we are making right now.  I love my daddy and my mom and siblings.  I am thankful for the memories we have together.  I'm glad that we are all here together.